The Waiting Game

I'm officially 34 weeks today. This means that I have 6 weeks left till my baby's estimated due date or commonly known as EDD. For those who are curious, my baby is due on New Year's Day 2010!

When I tell people the EDD, I usually get a really excited response from them. I on the other hand, am pretty blase about the whole issue because, none of my babies have ever arrived on their EDD. More often, they'll be late, and I end up being put on the drip, induced.

This time around, I'm really praying for a textbook kind of delivery, you know, the type that starts with a "show" or the breaking of the water bag, then the contractions come clearly and regularly until it reaches 5 minutes apart, and then, I can grab my overnight bag and head for the door.

The last 3 deliveries have been pretty mundane affairs where I was driven to the hospital, walked to the delivery ward, changed, shaved and given an enema, then climbed on the bed and then given the drip. Then I waited and waited for the contractions to come and the progress would be slow till the dr broke the water bag and then the pain would come. It's really not my idea of a pleasant experience.

But now, I'm patiently waiting, although life is really uncomfortable for me now; imagine, this is one time when it is actually more comfortable to sleep in a sitting position than on my back or side! The Braxton Hicks type of contractions is almost a daily occurrence and they are getting more intense. I actually have to stop whatever I'm doing and wait for it to tide over. At the same time, I'm also getting excited, I wonder if this baby will decide to come out early?

Not yet baby, at least 4 more weeks.

The New Raya

We had the privileged of being hosted by our neighbours for a post Raya makan earlier in the day. We received the invitation via SMS a few days ago and I was excited with the prospect of some good homemade rendang, lemang, lontong etc. Mentally I also went through my wardrobe to see what I could wear that would be appropriate for the occasion. You see, last year, in another neighbour's Raya party, anticipating a hot and humid makan session under the canopy, I made the mistake of wearing something sleeveless with long pants and incurred the displeasure of my kind hostess (it was very apparent on her face). Chiding myself for my insensitivity, I determined not to make the same mistake, ever.

So this year, being heavily pregnant, therefore even more prone to overheating, I chose a modest dress and with my hubby and the brood in tow, traipse across the road to my neighbors'. After exchanging pleasantries, we were ushered to the dining table. To my utmost surprise and slight disappointment, not a single lemang was in sight, nor was there any dodol or traditional kuih except the layer cake. Instead, we had some good assam laksa, roti jala with chicken curry and amazingly, spagetti bolognese!

Nevertheless, conversation flowed and we had a good time getting to know one another and were grateful for their invitation. They are very "modern" people with nary a piece of classic furniture. Their decor was quite minimalist with clean lines and soothing, earthy colours.

It was altogether a very pleasant afternoon and we hope to reciprocate soon. I'm just sad that knowing their sensitivities, I can't offer them any of my cakes or cookies.

Being Big

I received a big bag of maternity wear from a childhood friend's sister who just gave birth 5 months ago. As I've been complaining about not having enough to wear, I was naturally pleased with the blessing.

So after dinner, with one eye on the news on TV, I dug through the bag with anticipation. As I expected, the owner of the clothes have very good taste with many of her clothes bought from reputable brands. Alas, she is of the petite frame and I am, well, not small. So with a heavy heart, I folded up all the clothes and put them back in the bag and sighed.

It's been said that every cloud has a silver lining, I'm still trying to figure out if this applies to being 'big' as well. So far, I can't think of one. Other than being really heavy and having difficulty moving from A to B, there's also backaches and muscle aches that I have to contend with. I can't sit nor stand for too long and now I find that I can't do the dishes properly because my belly gets in the way!

Putting on underwear is a challenge on its own; here's the procedure: First I stand firm with my feet slightly apart, with2 hands, I then hold and open up my humongous panties, making sure it's the right side (don't want to have to do it all over again!). I take a deep breath and lift up my right leg and plunge my foot into the pantie, all the time praying that it goes through the correct hole and hoping that my toes won't get caught somewhere else. If all goes well, I take another deep breath and repeat the whole procedure with the other leg.

If you are wondering if I'm exaggerating, well, imagine being over weight, with a protruding belly that alters your centre of gravity and so it's fairly easy to topple over and besides, I can't see anything that's below my belly!

So there you have it, the minor trials of pregnancy!

I'm Back, maybe..

It's been a while since I updated my blog. So sorry for those who have been checking! Truth is, I've been extremely lazy. You see, I only get to 'work' on my laptop after the children have gone to bed, and by the time I check the news (must keep myself updated you see), check put others' blogs (not that many la, only 4), read and replied emails, an hour is gone, my eyelids are drooping and my back is aching. I keeping thinking, tomorrow la, I'll write something, and convinced myself that nothing interesting happened to me that particular day anyway!

So what's happened to me since my last posting? Well, my birthday's come and gone, so I'm officially 37, late thirties already! My belly's been expanding at an alarming rate! I dread stepping on the weighing machine each time I go to my obstetrician's office, because each time he will inevitably say, "You MUST be eating very well!". It's his way of telling me to stop stuffing my face. But really, I haven't, I would protest silently! I've already given up ice cream months ago, I don't eat fried food, I don't eat rice for every meal and I actually exercise on my cross trainer 30 minutes, at least 3 times a week! What else do you want me to do???? Argghhh!! it's not fair!

I know my doctor means well, and I still have 3 months to go before I pop, so I really do need to watch my weight, but honestly, short of not eating at all, I don't know what else to do. Help!

A Polyp

I had a slight scare last week. Without warning I experienced slight spotting and cramping and although the cramping went away after the first day, the spotting continued until I went to see the doctor.

If I were still in my 1st trimester, I would not have bothered but being 18 weeks, I was already into my 2nd trimester, which under most circumstances, should be the most stable and trouble free of all the 3 trimesters. Remembering the fact that my sister-in-law lost her babies in her 18th and 19th week didn't help to alleviate my anxiety.

So I tried to rest as much as I could, staying horizontal and putting my feet up. However, I could not have a complete bed rest as my hubby was away in Langkawi and my mother in law was not free to lend hand and my own mom, weakened by Hepatitis C, would not be able to cope.

After 4 days of uncertainty, I paid my obstetrician a visit. I had to strip from the waist down, and had my legs propped up so that he could have a good look inside. First he pried my vagina open using a special instrument so he could have a clear view, then he proceeded with some very uncomfortable probing and scraping and I honestly don't know what else. The whole procedure must have taken at most 5 minutes, but it felt much much longer. If you've had a pap smear before, you'll know what it was like!

After an eternity, the good doctor showed me a polyp which he found growing at the neck of my cervix, the size of a Malaysian 5 sen coin! Goodness knows when the thing started to grow there but it was the cause of the spotting as it rubbed against the cervical wall.

So my polyp is now being tested for malignancy in a lab somewhere and I should get the results in about a week. According to my doctor, polyps are usually harmless growths so I've not lost any sleep over it since.

So ladies, remember to get your pap smear done every 2 years, you never know what you might find!

Still in Pain

Life for me recently seems to revolve around one word - pain. With that, I mean physical pain. I have pain in my finger, yes it's still not totally healed; pain in my tummy (gas), pain in my rear (diarrhea) and pinched nerve in my buttock and pain in my back. And they are ALL related to my pregnancy!!! Argghhhh!

If you recall, my finger's not healing as usual because being pregnant, the doctor can only prescribe mild antibiotics and it's not really working to eliminate the stubborn germs hiding in my finger. The tummy aches and diarrhea is due to my inability to digest milk, (I used to enjoy milk before my pregnancy). And the weight of my tummy is causing my back muscles to work harder and my spine seems to have gotten misaligned somehow and is pinching a nerve that's connects to my right rear cheek (this has happened in my previous pregnancies).

Sorry to gross you out but I felt that I needed to share my pain!

But there is some good news in the midst of all this. I went to see my ob-gyn the other day and everything is as fine as can be. Baby seems to be growing well and the heartbeat is fast and strong (Dr's words). He was so confident about everything that he scheduled my next appointment 5 weeks away. When we told the nurse that the date given to us is not suitable and could we postpone it to the next week, we got an earful from the nurse who told us "5 weeks is already very long, cannot delay anymore!"

Another 5 months till my EDD (estimated due date). The day seems so far away!

Worthed Listening To

I was stunned when I was invited by the leader of Mother Support group OUG to share 'something' with them. In this instance, the 'something' means a word, or a topic of interest/relevance. I was given the group's vision of the year, and was told that whatever I share, it should be relevant to their vision.

I've never been invited to share/speak before. In fact, after living for almost 37 years, I'm quite convinced that each time I open my mouth in front of an audience, nonsense instead of substance come out! Being a sanguine, I love an audience and I usually endeavour to entertain whenever I'm in a group, it's just me.

So when the invitation came, my first instincts was to decline the kind offer. But then I thought, hang on, God has been really good to me, surely there's something I can say that would encourage the ladies! So I decided that I would share on the greatest thing that God had done in my life thus far, and that was my journey through depression and how God brought me out of it.

Somehow, there was a miscommunication (maybe) cos when the official invitation came through email, the topic became "How to Deal with Stress". Whoa! Now how did that happen? Then I thought, well, stress and depression is linked and I will have to somehow make the connection that day.

So that's how I ended up sharing on dealing with stress with 6 ladies! My very first 'speaking' engagement! I'm not sure what the ladies really thought of my sharing but they were responsive and some could identify with what I went through. It was all over in an hour and I rushed home to get my kids ready for school. But I think it went ok cos the leader said she'd like to invite me again next year!

Till now, I'm still amazed that someone thought that I'm worthed listening to.

God is GOOD!

A little while ago, I shared on my blog about my need to cease from being too active in church but to re-focus my attention towards my family. Initially, when I found that I'm carrying a new life within, I thought that I would continue to serve in The Marriage Course (TMC) Season 5, which will end in October and from then on, take a sabbatical leave. However, I have been plagued with continuous 'problems' related to my pregnancy that I seriously doubted I could muster up the energy for TMC, I could barely function as a mother and wife as it is.

When my pastor shared that revival for the church needs to start from revival in the families, because without families, the church wouldn't exist, I felt a strong conviction and the confirmation that my decision to cease active service is the right one.

So I silently prayed that God will help ease me out of my 'ministries' for as those of you who have served in church committees will understand that once you are in, it's not that easy to get out!

When I went to the TMC Task force Meeting this morning I fully intended it to be my last one although I wasn't sure how my decision would be taken. But I need to give praise to God that He prepared my 'colleagues' well, because they were most supportive of my decision and my portfolios were handed over to capable hands in no time and little hassle.

God prepared the way for me, all I had to do was to step out in faith and obey.

Fat Finger

I dutifully went to the doctor's this morning to get the dressing on my infected pointer changed and was actually quite eager to see the process as the pain had gone and I was quite sure all will be well.

However, when the dressing was cut opened, I saw to my dismay that my finger was still very much swollen. I asked the doctor why is it so difficult for the healing to take place in spite of the antibiotics and all the cleaning done. Previously, my wounds healed without any intervention at all.

He replied that it's partly due to my pregnancy, all my germ fighting antibodies have been re routed my womb, for the benefit of my unborn child, that's why my body is finding it more difficult to heal itself.

In addition, the doctor said I must go in to get my dressing changed every single day, as opposed to every 2 days as he's not very happy about my lack of progress. HELP!

Pain pain

My left pointer was infected beyond recognition and the pain was getting unbearable. I finally conceded to go to the doctors knowing the fate that awaited me.

True enough, the doctor took one look and said, "I'm afraid I'll have to cut it open." I was mentally prepared for the 'surgery' so I calmly asked for an aneasthetic. The doctor told me she'd give me something to numb my finger but I would still feel the pain.

I took a deep breath and followed her into the surgery. The connecting door to the consultation room was left open and my husband and youngest daughter, who wanted to follow could see the procedures.

The doctor first sprayed my infected finger and I cringed from the pain, it felt as if my finger was plunged into a bucket of ice. The doctor held my finger with her left hand and with her right, she held up the surgical knife. When I saw the blade glinting in the light, I quickly looked away and when she sliced my skin my toes curled up in pain, my hair all stood up and I stuffed the tissue which I had been holding in my hand in preparation into my mouth. It took a huge amount of self control to just sit there to let the doctor squeeze out all the pus, all the while kicking my legs, squeezing my daughter's arm (she'd come in to comfort me as soon as she saw me in pain, my husband just sat in the consultation room and cringed on my behalf) and making unintelligible noises.

It was all over in a few minutes and the doctor wrapped up my finger in such huge bandages, it actually looked quite hilarious. The doctor prescribed some antibiotics and sent me home, not before telling me to go back again in 2 days to change the dressing. Oh joy.

Nothing to Eat

Forgive me for not updating my blog regularly lately. Frankly, my life has been pretty boring as all I do is eat and sleep. No, I'm not enjoying it cos eating is not pleasurable anymore, and eating causes my stomach to bloat and I suffer from indigestion, which makes me want to lie down and try to sleep my discomfort away. But if I don't eat, my stomach goes into overdrive and churns out so much gastric juice and fills up with gas that can't be released. No joke.

There is also a long list of food that I can't stomach, not because I throw up but because my stomach really cannot digest them properly, they are, in no particular order, fried and oily food, dairy products, curry, fruits, food laden with MSG and sour food like tom yam and assam laksa. This practically covers 70% of all the food in Malaysia!! Arrggghhh!!

But I need to keep things in perspective, all the food above, other than fruits, aren't really good for my health anyway, so 'fasting' from them should actually be good for me. I'm just vexed because for someone who already has no appetite but needs to eat every 2 hours, it's really quite a torture.

So baby, I hope you'll appreciate all that mummy had to go through for you. Grow well, ok?

How Will I Be Remembered?

It was with a sense of loss when I sat with my children to watch the news of Michael Jackson's death this evening. I was in my early teens when I started to listen to his music, and I am not ashamed to say that I loved his music. In my opinion, he was the most gifted of all musicians. Yet, as years went by, news of his lifestyle and personal life filtered through the media, it was most obvious that he was someone who needed help, badly.

It's still too early to tell, but I wonder how will the world remember Michael Jackson? King of Pop, suspected child molester or as some have suggested, a tortured genius?

Come to think of it, how will I be remembered after I die? I have and am still giving the best of my years to raising my family, until my children are grown, I will not know if I have done a good job.

Being by nature a peacock, I've always liked to show off. Until I accepted Christ into my life, my secret dream was to be a star on London's West End or Hollywood's Broadway, but never Vegas (I've always considered it to be a bit cheap!) Being a film star was not enough for me because I loved an audience and adored their applause.

Now that I have a family, I've come down to earth somewhat; somehow, dirty diapers, vomit and cracked nipples does that to you! So now, although I may never be the Queen of Broadway, at least I know, I'm still the Queen of my children's hearts, till they fall in love of course.

As to how I will be remembered? Only time will tell.

Maids

There's been lots of stories in the newspapers about the pros and cons of hiring maids from Indonesia. Allow me my 2 cents worth in my own blog!

I once had a lived in maid from Indonesia. She lasted one and a half months before we sent her home. I'd like to say that my family were the angels and she was not but I have to be fair. She came to us because a church friend of ours who had had her for 3 years were migrating to Australia. Our friend approached us and assured us that she was a very good worker and would be a blessing to our family. At that time, my hubby's job was getting demanding and he had to travel every week. So we thought, why not, since she's trained, we could do with some help, seemed like a win-win situation.

The only thing the maid asked for was a day off which we granted but with condition; she was to stay with one of our friends, who's also Indonesian on her days off so that our friend could keep an eye on her. She was only 21 at that time and still highly impressionable, we felt.

Things went smoothly and although we found her work less than satisfactory, I didn't make a fuss as I felt there was plenty of time to teach her my ways and preferences. The paperwork with the immigration department took about a month and when all the papers were cleared, she dropped a bombshell and announced that she has a boyfriend and they have been dating secretly for more than a year under my friend's nose! She went on to ask permission to see him as it was impossible for them to meet now that she's working for me.

It took another week for us to reverse the paperwork and when the day came we told her she was to spend Raya in her kampung and to pack straightaway as the agent was coming to get her. When she found out she won't be coming back, she went berserk. At the agent's house she begged to be released and wanted to elope with her boyfriend. She didn't sleep the whole night and was driven to the airport first thing in the morning. Her boyfriend even had the cheek to call me up to ask me her whereabouts.

The mental anguish and emotional turmoil that both the maid and I went through was indescribable. Both sides felt wronged and betrayed. But I had to think of the safety of my family and our property. It would have been suicidal if we had allowed her to stay. There was no recourse but to send her back.

So would I have another maid in the future? Well, never say never, but I seriously doubt we will get another one from Indonesia. For now, I'd stick to my part time cleaners that come in once a week. But if I had the money, I'd engage a Filipino maid. Any thoughts?

Confinement Worries

Every time I'm pregnant, the only thing I worry about is the 30 days after delivering the baby, ie my confinement. Every time I had a baby, my joy was limited due to the miserable time I had during my confinement.

Till this day, I cannot understand why the 'seniors' try to make this most important time of your life as miserable as possible. Yes I appreciate their help, I really do, but being forbidden to shower, wash hair, eat fruits and vegetables, even drink water is really inhumane to say the least!

This time around, I'm determined to do things my own way. I plan to hire a professional confinement nanny from a professional confinement services provider. I'm determined that the confinement lady should take orders from me and my husband and not anybody else.

I'm really praying and begging that God will give me a positive confinement experience since this is the last baby we plan to have.

His Grace is Sufficient for Me

I didn't sleep well last night. My troubled mind refuse to grant me the rest that I craved. As a result, I'm very tired today. But I thank God for small mercies because my mother took the trouble to visit today. On top of that, she cooked one of my favourite dishes and brought a substantial amount over for me to share with my 3 children. I am very grateful for that as it meant I didn't need to cook much that evening.

It is times like this that I can feel God's love upon me that knowing that I am down, He reached down to touch me, albeit through my mother, my angel. I say this with certainty because I know that my mother has yet to fully recover from her jet lag and her flu which she caught shortly after coming back from Dublin last week.

As I write this, a song is playing on my mind, let me share it with you....

"Oh Lord, Your tenderness

Melting all my bitterness

O Lord, I receive Your love

O Lord, Your loveliness

Changing all my ugliness

O Lord, I receive Your love

O Lord, I receive Your love

O Lord, I receive Your love"

By Graham Kendrick

May you too receive His love today and tomorrow and the day after tomorrow....till eternity.

Running Low

There are currently 4 men in my life, according to seniority, my father, my brother, my husband and my son. And believe it or not, I'm quite convinced that it is my son who empathises with me the most and he's only 9! The rest are Philistines, emotionally speaking.

As I've said so in my earlier postings, this pregnancy is really taking a toll on me , physically and emotionally. Being nauseous and bloated the whole day is not my idea of having a good time but the men in my life can't seem to grasp that. Mostly they ignore me, or act indifferent which is fine sometimes but it really frustrates me when they think I should just get up and everything will be right as rain!

All these frustrations is draining my emotional tank and red flags are popping all over like crazy. This is the time when I know that I need to draw close to God. When I'm feeling neglected and insecure, and having a pity party all by myself, I know the only way to get out of this pit is to spend more time with God.

I confess I've neglected this very important area of my life, ever since my nausea set in. And at the rate I'm going, I'd better remedy the situation quick. God has promised never to leave us and forsake us and He also said that He is the same yesterday, today and forevermore, which means that what He has promised, He will fulfill. He has promised to be with me. Period.

So Sorry

Is feeling lousy a good enough reason not to post a blog? As I said before, I'm a person who quits easily. But because I know I'm a quitter, whenever I do start something, I try my darnest not to abandon ship and I'd hang on doggedly come what may.

This is exactly what I'm facing with my blog. I've been encouraged to start a blog a long time ago but I didn't because I wasn't sure if anyone wanted to read what I wrote. I only started the blog after I was convinced that there was something in me that I wanted to share with you, my readers.

I was just starting to get the hang of it when I fell pregnant, and then things became quite a struggle. Battling with nausea and indigestion the whole day, my mind turned into mush and my body turned on the survival mode and creativity was thrown out of the window.

So please forgive me if my writings lately have been less inspiring and a waste of your time. I hope the symptoms wear off soon and I can bounce back to the way I once was.

Shocking

It's unbelievable what people would do for the sake of money nowadays. The latest I heard was about Gardasil, the vaccine produced by pharmaceutical giant Merck that the whole medical fraternity is urging every woman and even pre-pubescent girls to get to prevent cervical cancer.

Sounds very right and noble right? However, google Gardisil and what you find will render you speechless. In the US alone, 11000 girls have developed sever reactions to the vaccine, to date, 32 have died. That's not all, one report from the US FDA actually revealed that the HPV does not cause cervical cancer, which is what Gardasil claims to tackle in the first place!

My head spun as I read all that and all I can do is thank God again and again that I didn't take it. I have been given the opportunity to take it 3 times but each time I declined as I felt I really didn't need it. Now I know that it was the Holy Spirit that gave me the wisdom and discernment which not protected me but also my daughters.

To learn more, go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBAv1H0-dYc.

When I emailed my friends to tell them about the 'news', one of them emailed me back and said in essence, "Honey, Gardasil ain't the only one, educate yourself and go to www.naturalnews.com."

To date, I've not had the stomach to go and look. Perhaps you do.

Red Faced

Today has got to be ranked as the most embarrassing day of my life! what happened to me was so embarrassing that I actually have second thoughts about sharing it! But then I thought, what the heck, it's better that I tell it than you hearing it from someone else.

So here goes. I split my pants today, didn't know it and walked all over my neighbourhood hypermarket with my panties exposed!

I'm not upset that I split my pants, I'm actually upset that nobody bothered to tell me! All those people walking behind me and spying my panties, and no one said a word! Chivalry is dead!

So, if I made you laugh today with this posting, I'll consider it my good deed for the day. Write and tell me ok?

Being Pampered

My parents just came back from their mini Europe tour a few days ago. They first went to Dublin, Ireland to visit my brother and his wife, and from there, my brother took them to Spain and Portugal. They enjoyed themselves very much and had a great time with my brother and his wife.

I'm really happy that it was a wonderful trip for them, but selfishly, I'm also really glad that my mom is back. going through pregnancy has made me long for my mom because she's the only one that sympathises with all that I'm going through physically. She could even understand why I chopped off all my hair! (I tell people that it's due to the unbearable weather but actually that's only half the story. When one feels ill all the time and spends many hours in bed, coupled that with the heat and you get is a truly grumpy and ugly pregnant woman!)

Anyway, I visited her today and ended up staying for dinner. It was really nice to be pampered for a change.

I pray that God will give my parents long and healthy lives.

I Feel Good

One of my love languages (ways I feel loved) is kinds and loving words. I got plenty of that today at The Marriage Course Post Mortem Meeting just now.


It was really nice to hear the words of encouragement and appreciation coming from the participants in their feedback and also the leaders of the course. My husband and I have been helping out in this ministry for the past 4 seasons and it has been truly satisfying to see lives touched and marriages enriched.

Now that my emotional tank is close to full, I'm all geared up to serve again in The Marriage Course Season 5, big belly or not!

For more information on The Marriage Course, please go to http://www.fga.com.my and click on The Marriage Course. The website's not been updated but Season 5 will be starting on the 1st of August 2009 and registration is already open.

Being Pregnant

I saw the image of the baby within me for the first time yesterday. The little tike's heartbeat was beating really fast and we could even see the baby moving its limbs! The whole experience felt kind of surreal even though I have been through it 3 times before.

I must admit that I was a bit anxious prior to the consultation as there have been comments that my big belly could mean that I was carrying twins! The fact that my sis-in-law dreamt that I had twin boys last year didn't help! So it was a bit of a relieve when the ultrasound scan revealed only 1 baby!

Unfortunately, my doctor didn't prescribe anything for my gas and indigestion and told me to adjust my meal portions and habits to find out what works and what doesn't! A bit impractical I think, since I'm practically eating around the clock, I wouldn't really know what agrees with me and what doesn't; what is the char koay teow 2 hours ago, or maybe the sambal in the nasi lemak just now was a bit off and I didn't realise it? Maybe the pear is giving me gas? Get my drift?

Oh well, I just hope it will all pass soon because the doctor told me that I'm actually 10 and a half weeks into my pregnancy which means 2 more weeks and I would have crossed my 1st trimester. Hopefully by then, I'd be feeling much better.

By the way, my official due date is 1st January 2010!

Being Fat

I've been eating a lot these past few weeks, not because I want to, but because I have to. Believe it or not, I'm hungry every 2-3 hours and I need more than a snack to be satiated. I've tried not eating and ended up with a stomach so bloated with gas that it took the whole day before I felt slightly 'normal' again.

I'm worried because I have put on a lot of weight. I'm no spring chicken any more and my metabolic rate is on the sluggish side. Prior to the pregnancy, I worked out in the gym quite religiously and together with watching my diet , I could keep my weight and fat level at a more respectable level.

But now... what with all the eating and the nausea, exercise is quite far from my mind. Doing the essentials is already a huge effort. I really can't bear to think about putting on my sports shoes to even go for a walk!

I'll be paying my obstetrician a visit in a couple of days, and being disciplinarian when it comes to diet and exercise, I really dread what he's going to say about my ballooning weight.

Help... anyone?

Savour Time

My family and I are enjoying our school holidays very much. Every morning I get to sleep in and I don't have to rush for anything.

My children are definitely relishing this time when they get to watch TV the whole day and sleep late and they took out their old toys and started to play again. It's been a really long time since they played with their toys, poor things.

Of course I've given them some chores to do and they have been quite okay with it but I also want them to have some time to really play and dream, doodle, read or whatever that they fancy. Nowadays, children's lives are so packed with school work, tuition and other co-curricular activities that life is often just a blur of things to do.

I really pity my children sometimes because my childhood years were so different. Having grown up siblings, I was alone most of the time and my school holidays always went by slowly. Once I learnt to read, I never complained about being bored anymore. I want my children to have a little taste of what it's like to slow down and just savour time.

Parenting

There are many different styles of parenting, some are dominating, some passive or permissive. But the ones I don't get are the MIA (aka Missing In Action) parents.

It is a phenomenon that is increasingly happening in Malaysia where parents leave their children with their grandparents in their hometowns and husband and wife stay in the cities to work. Those whose hometowns are near the cities visit their children once a week but some children only get to see their parents maybe 3 to 4 times a year.

I suppose they are taking a leaf from their counterparts from Indonesia and the Philippines who for decades have had to leave their children in their home countries to eke out a living under hostile conditions in neighbouring countries.

I can understand if one is working as a maid and therefore quite impossible to bring your children to live with you; or perhaps you stay in the company hostel or in the construction site where it is not conducive living for children. But the MIA parents that I'm talking about are middle class professionals who live comfortably in fancy houses, drive fancy cars but somehow do not have the capacity or dare I say inclination, to take care of their children.

Perhaps they think that their kampungs/hometowns are better places to bring up children and so they leave their children there; but my question is what about their role as parents? Is it only to bring the children to the world and provide materially for them? Will we one day see children who only know their parents by name, not by deed and who are not emotionally attached to them? Will we one day see professional child care centres that operate 24/7, like old folks homes, and parents only see their children when it is convenient?

Will there be a day when true parenting skills are lost or worse, no longer relevant?

Temptations

Temptations come in many forms and for different people, it's different things. Most, if not all fall in 3 broad categories; lust of the eyes, which includes temptations that appeal to the eyes, usually things that we covet; lust of the flesh, food and sex comes quickly to mind and the lust of power.

When I was younger, I struggled a lot with the first 2 temptations. There are many things I want and keeping my mind and body pure was a daily struggle. Not being particularly ambitious, the lust of power held no power over me.

Now that I'm in my late 30's, I have learnt many lessons. I have learnt to be contented in my circumstances, whether having little or a lot. Being married has also largely taken care of my second struggle! So now, temptations come to me in the 3rd form, fame and power.

I've always believed myself to be intelligent and that there are great things in store for me. Although I am contented to be a stay at home mom, my pride wants me to be recognised for more than that. I want to do great things that will earn people's respect and admiration! But till now, I've not found my niche!

These past 2 years have been quite hectic for me, being involved in many ministries in church. There are times when I felt guilty about neglecting my children but I brushed it off, convincing myself that I'm serving the Lord, of course the enemy will try to derail me.

When God gave me the baby, I knew I need to stop. Perhaps my time to shine is not yet come. As soon as I was at peace with my decision, I got a phone call from a person whom I respect very much in church who gave me a very tempting proposition, that if I handle it well, the potential to be recognised and known throughout a certain segment of people in the country is very high.

Temptations.

For a while I was very tempted to say yes; but I'm glad my mind was not too fogged up with my visions of grandeur. The person told me t think about it, but I know very well what my answer should be.

He Provides

I've said in my earlier blogs that I'm excited to see how God is going to provide for me and my baby this time around. And I can tell you that His blessings are pouring in.

First of all, I'm receiving tremendous support and love from the people around me, my friends and especially my home fellowship members. They have called me up to encourage me, prayed for me and even offered to cook special dishes for me!

Also, I've received 2 big bags of maternity clothes, all beautiful and in very good condition. I must admit that through my 3 pregnancies, I've never had such nice maternity clothes! I've not had to buy anything so far!

I'm only 8 weeks pregnant and I'm trusting Him to provide everything I need as the weeks go by. I'm especially praying that He will provide me a good and reliable confinement lady to help me out when the baby arrives! God is GOOD!!

I'm an Extrovert

I used to think that being an extrovert just means someone who talks a lot and who likes to be in company with other people. That is just one part of being an extrovert. A few years ago, I found that an extrovert also derives their energy from the people around them.

I could be dead tired an home, not wanting to say a word, just contented to lie around and vegetate. And when asked to do something, I'd say I'm too tired. If I could, I would even back out of a party or gathering. I would be convinced that I was too tired to socialise.

However, if someone were to call me then, I would immediately become animated; I would spring to life basically! And if I had to attend a gathering or be in the company of friends (not immediate family members) I would still manage to be the life of the party; even though I had said 10 minutes earlier that I was sooo tired!

I used to wonder what was wrong with me, am I such hypochondriac? Or worse, a hypocrite? I wonder what my husband thought of me, was I a liar? Or was I just too lazy to do anything at home but put me in other's company and I become a live wire?

But at least now I understand, I'm an extrovert and I derive my energy from the people around me. Now I don't feel so bad about myself anymore.

Growing Up

Many times I wish that I'm not so emotionally tied up with all the people around me. I wish that I'm more thick skinned, like my hubby who let comments slide like water off a duck's back. I wish I am not so easily affected by the people around me, because the fact is, if you are in a bad mood and if I get near you, I'd get upset too, whether you say anything to me or not!

Like a dog, I'm also eager to please and many times, I do it in the expense of my own time and convenience. Sometimes, in my eagerness, I make mistakes and in the end, land me in trouble instead.

But I think I'm learning. It's taking a long time but after getting hurt many times, I've learnt that sometimes, being nice doesn't pay. And, some people, will never appreciate what I have done.

Relationships 1

We (Mothers' Support Group Puchong) had the privilege of listening to one of our church pastors share about what makes men tick this morning. It was a most interesting hour and I learnt much from his candid sharing.

First and foremost, we were informed that men generally regard sex as their number 1 need! Although it shouldn't come as a surprise, yet hearing it from a pastor still gave me a slight jolt. The other 4 things in the list were, recreational companionship, attractive spouse, domestic support and admiration (read:stroking his ego).

Just studying the list made me tired because it seems to involve a lot of 'doing' on the wives' part. First we must give them sexual fulfillment, then we have to be their 'buddies' meaning play with them, could be watching sports or fishing etc; on top of that, we have to make sure that we stay attractive while taking care of the children and domestic needs like cooking and cleaning and ironing and last but not least, we need to regularly massage their egos!

But my pastor assures us that men are simple creatures, as long as we learn how to press the correct buttons at the correct time, everything will fall into place. Hmmm....

Chores

The children didn't have to go to school today because their school had their Annual Sports Day yesterday (Sunday) and so today was declared a school holiday. Yay! I totally enjoyed sleeping in till 8am, otherwise, I'm usually forced to get up at 6am if it's a school day.

The best thing that happened today was all the 3 helped out at home in one way or another. Lucas watered the plants and took out the rubbish; Janine swept the floor (tried to) and Hannah folded the laundry and cut the vegetables for lunch. Amazingly, they all did it without murmuring or complaining. It was great!

Some of you may wonder what's the big deal, it's just a few easy chores. Maybe, but for our family, it's a huge achievement. I'm not a natural teacher and I find teaching a huge stress. That's why, up till now, I've not been able to train my children to do anything much just because I lose my temper almost every time I tried!

I know I have only myself to blame, but really, my eldest is already 11 this year and changing myself has been a very long and slow process. Nevertheless, there is some progress and today was the evidence of that. Thank you, Lord!

Breastfeeding

A schoolmate of mine called me up today and asked me questions about breastfeeding. According to her, I'm the only one she knows who has actually breastfed long enough to have any real knowledge about the subject!

Shocking isn't it, when in some societies, where breastfeeding is the norm, one would just have to turn to one's mother or aunt and all questions will be answered. Here, we can't ask our mums the same questions because in most cases, our mums belonged to the 'enlightened' generation of condoms and The Pill and of course the milk bottle.

The situation is so bad that I've had my aunts who called me up to ask me about the intricacies of breastfeeding because their daughter/daughter in law were having trouble with it! Now, having trouble with breastfeeding is a common thing, I've had trouble along the way too, but the irony is the older generation is asking the questions because they don't have the knowledge as they have never done it themselves!

But thanks to the efforts of the medical fraternity, who have unabashedly spoken out time and again about the benefits of breastfeeding, I am seeing many women taking up the challenge. Admittedly, some do better than others, but for me, some progress is better than none.

Children

What does having children mean to you? For some people, it's a simple act of sealing their love for each other. For others it might be an 'investment' for the future, they hope that their children will take care of them when they grow old. There are some I know who view children as 'burdens' and have decided not to have them at all, preferring to just be with each other.

For me though, having children is not only a great responsibility, it is also a mandate from God. God's 1st command to Adam and Eve was not to eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge and Evil; but his 2nd command to them is to be fruitful and multiply. So as long as one decides to get married, in my opinion, having children becomes a mandate to be fulfilled.

Secondly, having children is also a means of extending God's kingdom. Many times I have marveled at the modern mighty men and women of God, like the Wesley brothers, Rev Dr Billy Graham, Katherine Kuhlman and so on; more people in the world have heard of Jesus because their parents decided to have them and subsequently brought them up in the ways of God.

And so for me, that is my prayer, that God will use my children to change the world! I may not be an evangelist like Reinhart Bonke, a healer like Katherine Kuhlman but maybe, one of my children will be.

My church leaders believe that in the near future, our children will minister to the older generation, I can't wait!

Family

My loving family, due to their great love and concern for me, often question my wisdom and timing in my pregnancies. When I had my first baby, I was too young, too immature. When I had number 2, the gap was too near, what's wrong with me? When I had number 3, it was, you already have a girl and a boy, why are you having a 3rd one? What are you doing to yourself? Now that I'm pregnant with number 4, it's-don't you think 4 is too many? Isn't the gap too big?

Frankly, I fail to grasp their concerns. After all, I'm not living with them nor am I financially dependent on them, so I don't see why such a fuss. In fact, it irks me greatly because, I find their remarks downright condescending.

My brother tells me that I shouldn't let people's opinions bother me if I am confident of my beliefs and firm in my stand. But I don't think it has anything to do with that; instead it has everything to do with what I think is their opinion of me.

Being the youngest in the family, I've always been treated as a pest, being immature and irrational. I am indeed very different from my family members who 3 out of 5 are insufferable choleric and melancholy, whereas I am a carefree sanguine and phlegmatic combo. So naturally, they cannot fathom what goes through my mind!

Even the way I regard my faith and the way I live out my beliefs is vastly different from them, even though we believe in the same God! Me and babies being a case in point. Where they can see all the impracticalities of having babies, I excite in seeing God's provision and grace in our lives.

But one thing that my brother said did make sense, and that is they are my family and they care for my welfare. I should cherish all that because eventually, there will come a day when they have all passed on, and all will be gone.

And so, I forgive them.

Time to Boast

I'm really thankful for my son. He's only 9 years old but lately, he has done many things that warmed my heart. Of course he has his flaws and irritating habits but overall, he has been a big help and a sweetheart.

Among my 3 kids, he was the first to know about my pregnancy because I chose to tell him first, knowing he would not spread it around; not because he is great at keeping secrets, but because I knew the news wouldn't impact him much and he would soon forget about it. I was right.

He was really sweet when I said that he would have to help out more at home, especially when the baby arrives; instead of protesting or at least making a face, he said, "But I only know how to mop the floor wor..."

He's also the only one who does his chores without comment and will answer cheerfully with an "OK!" when I tell him it's time to throw out the rubbish or water the plants, or please can he wash my plate?

At this juncture, I should perhaps balance out my gushing with a realistic write up about everything about my son that needs improvement... but I won't. I know very well that he's not perfect but for this rare moment, I'm choosing to only remember all that's lovely about him.

Big Deal

It seems that in this day and age, having a 4th baby is quite a big deal. Now that my pregnancy is no longer a secret, it's actually quite amusing to see and hear the reaction from my friends and family.

Most of their expressions can be categorised into shock and disbelief, maybe even disgust and the other, genuine support and joy for me and my family.

For the former, I understand where they are coming from if they haven't yet put their trust in Jesus, after all, to nurture a child till he/she is a responsible adult is no mean feat, and without help from a Higher Being, it can be quite overwhelming.

No, I'm talking about those who profess to have faith in Christ yet when they heard about my pregnancy, speak to me in a chastising tone of voice. It is during times like this when I truly wish God had given me a thick skin to weather this type of remarks. But the fact is I am a highly sensitive person and find these kinds of negative remarks very hurtful. It is especially hard to get over because it is spoken by people who are supposed to love me.

But get over I must because no matter what the person says, I will rejoice in the Lord for the new life He has given me and my family. I firmly believe that every life and death is determined by God and that this baby is NOT an accident, but has been planned by God Himself since time began.

So there.

Kids

It's been ages since I last baked. Ever since the effects of the pregnancy kicked in, I've been struggling to keep up with my daily routine, which means just doing the essentials.

I pity my 3 kids, they have been taking kaya/peanut butter/strawberry jam sandwiches to school every day. So far they haven't complained but I found that they have been taking less and less sandwiches to school. Poor things.

My kids have been gems so far. They have been helpful and sensitive to my predicament, helping out with the housework, etc with minimal murmuring, which is really quite extraordinary! I really thank God for them, and I hope they will continue to improve as time goes by!

Assets

Today was another lazy Sunday afternoon and after my nap, it's compulsory nowadays, I turn on the idiot box, and caught the Taiwanese show "Guess, Guess, Guess". The 2nd segment of the show was about young ladies with big assets, physical ones, not the monetary kind. None of them were over 25 years old, and certainly still very single and fancy free.

The show caught my attention immediately because having no assets myself, I've always been envious of women who do. But these girls were quite exceptional as they were also slim and beautiful and their figures were all natural. All of them were 32E!!

As I listened to their stories, I was amazed to hear how one of the girls, Doris, took 2 hours each day pampering her 'babies' to keep them in tip top condition. Not only that, she wasn't quite satisfied with her 32E and is trying other means to increase it to 32F!

I was flabbergasted, 2 hours a day!! Honestly, if you tell me that I can increase my cup size from A to E by doing some exercises for 2 hours each day, I'm not sure I'd be willing to do it! Although I'm vain and having a cleavage would be nice, but 2 hours is a bit too much, don't you think? If you add that up, that's 60 hours a month and 30 days a year! Imagine spending a whole month staring and touching and massaging and goodness knows what else, to maintain one's breasts! All that, just for the sake of vanity, which the Bible teaches is here today, gone tomorrow.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I've got better things to do! Like baking a good chocolate cake and then eating it!

His Provision

One of the exciting things for me when I'm pregnant is seeing how God will provide for me and my family. This being my 4th pregnancy, I can safely vouch that God has never failed to provide for us.


My 1st baby was completely paid for my hubby's previous company, including check ups, delivery and hospitalisation. Number 2 was conceived when hubby was retrenched but when we discovered the pregnancy, he was offered a new job with better perks and pay. When number 3 was born, again, hubby received a promotion and pay and perks were subsequently topped up. Further more, I received many hand me downs that were still in perfect condition and even managed to buy a baby cot for RM50 from a garage sale!

So now with baby number 4, I wonder how God is going to provide because for one thing, circumstances have again changed for us as hubby has just established his own business and things have not yet settled down, ie we haven't seen money rolling in as yet! However, I'm not the least bit worried because I've seen how God works. As it is, my maternity clothes have been provided for by my cousin, so I don't have to spend any money there. And I'm sure, as time goes by, more things will come.

The only thing that I'm worried about now is that the baby will probably arrive smack in the middle of Chinese New Year celebrations. Just how will I be able to find a reasonably priced confinement lady? For that, I'll just have to look to my Provider again!

Hope

The days are really warm and I feel really lazy and heavy. If not for the hunger pangs, I would gladly just lie on my back, preferably in an air-conditioned room and snooze the day away.

Unfortunately, I do not have that luxury. But I'm trying my best though, every spare minute that I have, I'd lie down and close my eyes. I feel infinitely better and it soothes the nausea somewhat.

But the danger in doing that is I may oversleep because I usually have to pick up one child from somewhere or the other. Otherwise, I sometimes find myself rushing off with sleep still in my eyes. It's a dangerous situation to be in when one is driving, more so if there are other passengers in the car.

I'm blaming all this on my pregnancy of course. It's still early days yet and I truly hope my situation will improve once I enter my 2nd trimester. I don't think it's very healthy for me or the baby to keep snoozing this way. I need to exercise to keep my body toned so that the delivery will be smoother and the recovery faster.

But at this juncture, I really can't help myself.

Falling Apart!

Not me, but my house seems to be. Yesterday, I blogged about the hole in my roof, today, something entirely different happened. I had just finished using the toilet downstairs and I made my way to the sofa to have a lie down (I'm forever lying down these days). As I lay there with my book, I suddenly heard loud crackling and popping sounds. When I got up to investigate, turned out that 8 tiles in the bathroom, spontaneously decided to self destruct!

The broken tiles laid there on the bathroom floor in a mess and all I could think of was, "thank God I wasn't sitting on the toilet when it happened!" because if I were, I would have been directly in the line of fire, so to speak, when the tiles popped!

I don't think the tiles have stabilized cos throughout the day, I could still hear sporadic popping sounds, I think more tiles might fall off but there's nothing we can do about it! Looks like I'd have to give handyman Charles another call soon! Sigh.

He Really Cares!

It's been really hot for the past few weeks, with nary a drop of rain. The temperature has been registering 38 degrees Celsius and there's no respite even when the sun went down. As a result, I've been uttering a silent prayer throughout the past 2 weeks, that God would bring rain.

Little did I know the reason for the dry weather. Our roof was in shambles and we didn't even know it. Our neighbour whose house sits on higher ground saw the terrible condition of our roof and alerted my husband. He even invited my husband to view the damage from his upstairs bedroom. Prior to this, we have never spoken to each other before and on that day, we got to know him as Mok.

My husband was aghast at the condition of our roof, being Mr Cool , I was surprised that he started to look for a roof specialist straightaway. Remembering Handyman Charles who used to work in our church, I decided to call him as he came highly recommended as he even managed to solve the notorious leaks in our High Court Building.

Charles came yesterday, climbed up, took a look and said the damage was extensive. As the adhesive that was supposed to hold the tiles in place have cracked, the tiles have dislocated and there was a gaping hole in our roof! There were other damages of course and Charles and his assistant, set to work. Within 2 hours and a half hours, he announced that the problem is solved and our roof is now good as new.

That very night, it rained.

The next day, which is today, it poured.

I truly thank God for His love and care for me and my family. All this made us wonder, if we had fixed our roof earlier, maybe we would not have had to endure the scorching past weeks.....

Then and Now

I was born and bred in Taiping, Perak. It's a quaint little town, with everything that you could possibly need, 20 years ago, while I was growing up. There were a cinemas to go to although the blockbusters took its time to get there. There were also a few supermarkets around town, although you can forget about getting the latest fashion. Those days, one was considered fashionable if one wore 'Applemints' jeans and if you were my mom's age, 'Dolly'.

Food was pretty good, cheap too. But you need to know where to go because the best places are often hidden. My parents weren't into eating out so I grew up not knowing nor appreciating the great food in Taiping. It was not until I was much older, when my friends got their motorcycle licences that I was introduced to some of the gems. Sad part was, during that time, I didn't have much money nor appreciation for food, so eating out was more of social indulgence for me instead of a gastronomic one.

I left Taiping to further my studies, as did my older siblings. Although I came back to Malaysia after my tertiary education, lack of career opportunities saw me and my husband settling down in the capital city instead.

Eventually, my parents sold off their house in Taiping and came down to join us. They now live nearby. So now there's no reason for me to go back to Taiping any more. The last time we went back was when we drove my mum back to exercise her right to vote, on 18 March 2008. My mum stayed with her friend and we stayed in a hotel.

That night, I stayed up till 2am to watch the unfolding of history, when the Opposition Party took hold of 5 states in the country. I remember going to sleep not totally comprehending what the future entailed.

The next morning, we went out for breakfast and the mood in town was one of cautious optimism. There was a quiet hope in the air. People wanted to believe that the future is going to be better and brighter with a new government.

But that was one year ago. The endless politicking and bickering has worn me out. I can only say that I'm glad I don't live in Perak anymore.

Sacrifice

When a woman chooses to have a child, she is choosing the greatest sacrifice of her life. This is because having a baby mean sacrificing her body to carry the baby within. After conception and as soon as the baby is implanted onto the walls of the uterus, the baby begin to receive nourishment from the mother's body. It is for this reason that my obstetrician used to tell me, "there's no such thing as a malnourished baby, a malnourished mother, yes, but not a malnourished baby."

With a baby growing within, a woman's body slowly but surely changes. Some rejoice as they watch their breasts fill out but despair when they see their thighs doing the same. Stretch marks are almost a given thing and some women develop terrible allergies. Backaches, insomnia, nausea, the list goes on. For many women, even as they fight to get above these irritations, they are expected to perform their duties at home and work fully, no excuses.

I've only described the physical part of pregnancy, what about the emotional and mental upheaval that a woman goes through when she finds out that she's with child? She constantly worries whether the baby will be ok. She wonders if her husband still loves her and finds her attractive when she's got her head in the toilet bowl most mornings. Some worry about the expenses that a baby will bring.

When the day finally dawns for the baby to meet his/her parents, the woman's body again goes through another upheaval. The PAIN is indescribable, the backache that accompanies when the baby is pressing against the backbone, the contractions, the anguish of the moment. Everything comes to a head and time stands still until with a whoosh, and the baby is out!

If you think that's the end of your suffering, sorry to disappoint you, there's more to come. Think the stitches on the perineum, the cracked nipples during breastfeeding, which I think is even more painful than childbirth itself, the ongoing fatigue etc.

Sacrifice? You bet!

Invasion!

My body's not mine anymore! It's going all weird and I can't seem to control it. It seems like I'm hungry all the time but after eating I feel nauseous. But so far, I haven't puked yet. Last night, I had dinner after 8pm, and ate a full portion of Char Siew Fan. My indigestion lasted till 6am and so did my insomnia!

I thought, ok, maybe the rice was too heavy, so after church this morning, I had Koay Teow Soup, again a full portion because it was already almost 1pm. Again, indigestion struck, but thankful this time, it went away after 5pm.

I've never had indigestion from the above 2 items before, not even during my previous 3 pregnancies. In fact, I seldom suffered from indigestion because I'm practically a dustbin and can stomach most food quite well. Not anymore.

Of course, I'm blaming it all on my growing baby within! He/she must be giving out all these hormones that is altering my body as I know it! It's amazing how something so small can cause such cataclysmic changes in me. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when the baby comes out!

4th Chance

It's funny how a thin little blue life can change your life in a flash, isn't it?

I'm talking about the little blue line on the home pregnancy test. Yep, I'm going to have a baby, for the 4th time! The feeling is surreal, 1 minute we were planning what we were going to do for that day, the next minute I was staring at the little blue line in disbelief.

At the moment, according to my calculations, I should be about 6 weeks into my pregnancy, which means baby would be due sometime in January next year, 2010. I'm already feeling the effects of the pregnancy, with the usual 2 hourly hunger pangs, tiredness after meals and even slight nausea. And that reminds me, I've got to start looking for maternity wear and baby paraphernalia. It's been 7 years and I've practically given away everything.

Truth be told, I'm a bit apprehensive about having a baby after 7 years, at the age of 37. But as I think about it, perhaps God sees fit that we be parents again the 4th time. Perhaps we'll be able to be better parents the 4th time around. I honestly have no idea, but I do know that through it all, may God be glorified, His will be done!

Soldier On!

I have a bad habit, I'm a quitter. I don't like things to be too hard, because if I think it's too hard, I'd surely give up. I quit piano lessons because by grade 7 I didn't have the interest nor inclination to put in the hours of practice that was required to pass the exams. I passed all the theory papers, but not the practical! To this day, my regret is not because I gave up piano ( I really didn't like it, I still don't) but because I don't have a certificate that I can show off to people!

There's one thing that I didn't give up though, and it's something I'm very proud of, and that's breastfeeding. I was determined to breastfeed my first child right from the start. I was so confident that there was not a baby bottle nor baby formula in the house! I didn't receive much encouragement from my family, but I didn't receive any discouragements either. I suppose, for a typical Chinese family, that's considered encouragement already!

I remembered that it was really tough. I didn't know what to do most of the time, I wasn't aware how much the baby was drinking, whether she was full or whatever. As my ob-gyn told me, "just put the baby to the breast when the baby cries, one day probably 15-16 times." So I soldiered on, in spite of the sleepless nights, the excruciatingly painful nipples. I remember vividly the pain and the tears that rolled down my cheeks each time the baby suckled. I really thank God that those days went by really quickly and I somehow I survived!

Now, when things start to get tough, I remind myself of my first breastfeeding episode and tell myself, "Girl, if you can go through that, you can go through this too!" And with God on my side, I certainly can!

Having Fun

When was the last time you had fun? I mean real fun that allowed you to let your hair down, be yourself and laughed till you cried, maybe?

I can't remember when was the last time I had uninhibited fun. Life has not been really fun for me ever since I finished my studies and became an 'adult'. Perhaps it is due to the Melancholy side of me which makes me take things more seriously, whether the issue deserves it or not.

You know what they say, "all work and no play makes Jane a dull girl" and I honestly believe that's what I've become. I've lost my sense of fun, to the extend that I tell my children, "you want to have fun, go to papa, don't come to me."

But that's not what life's meant to be is it? When Jesus said, "I've come so that they (read: those who believe in Him) may have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10b), I believe He meant to give us a life that is rich with meaning and purpose. I believe this means a life that is rich with laughter and fun too.

So from now on I'm going to look for fun, and have it, within limits of course. I'm going to smile and laugh and who cares if it gives me wrinkles and laugh lines. Join me today!

Four Letter Words

It's a four letter word that evokes almost as much emotion as the other more famous four letter word that starts with F. I have never used the F-word, (not that I remember anyway) but I've used the other four letter word numerous times, sometimes more than once a day.

The word that I'm talking about is B-U-S-Y. Because of this word, I find myself telling my daughter to keep quiet and eat her lunch/dinner as we need to go off somewhere and we are running late. Because of this word too that I told my friend that I couldn't visit her and her newborn baby. This is also the word my hubby uses when I asked him if he's gone to top up the bank account so that I can pay the bills. This word is so easily bandied about that sometimes, we forget about the consequences of being too B-U-S-Y.

This is especially so with children. I learned from the Mr Lee Wee Min head honcho of Focus on the Family Malaysia that children spell L-O-V-E as T-I-M-E. I have to confess though that I frequently push this thought aside because there are simply too many things to do, too many places to go.

Even as I stay home to try to spend as much time with my children, things still get in the way. I feel so guilty sometimes. I tried explaining it to one of the young fathers in my home fellowship that being a stay-at-home mum doesn't mean that one is always there emotionally for the children. For me, it has to be a conscious effort on my part to focus on my children and not the next chore.

As Mothers' Day looms near, I need to take stock and re-think of my role as a mother, am I the mother that God wants me to be? Am I the mother that my children need? As I ponder on that, I also need to keep on reminding myself to be mindful of the four letter word, as B-U-S-Y simply means, Being Under Satan's Yoke. And I certainly don't want to be in that position.

Sick!

I just caught a cold, no, no it's not the Swine Flu, or should I use the more politically correct term, H1N1. It's just an ordinary cold with a mild sore throat, low grade fever but I'm bleary eyed and coupled with a runny nose, it's just not a great feeling.

It wouldn't be so bad if it's not also the exam week. On my good days it's already a pain to get them to do their homework and study, but when I'm down with a cold, it just takes misery to a whole new low.

Anyhow, they got through their revision, so they tell me and they are now in bed. I said their prayers with them and warned them sternly if I hear even a peep out of them, I'd switch off the air conditioner (it's an incredibly warm night).

I don't like me when I'm sick, I develop ogre like qualities and I feel and look like the Grouch on Sesame Street! Grrggh!

Learning Languages

Funny how MM and Precious Moment were both talking about learning new languages, I was just online helping another blogger friend with her translation work. She was translating an English Language recipe book into Bahasa Malaysia. Being a non recipe reader, she was finding it tough going. I was glad to help.

This got me thinking. We live in Malaysia, and on any given day, we speak Bahasa Malaysia, English and Mandarin at the same time and we frequently throw in Cantonese, Hokkien or some other dialect for good measure. If one knows Tamil, or Iban or Kadazan then even better.

Growing up in this kind of environment has made me take for granted the wealth of languages my beloved country has. It was when a Japanese lady remarked to me that it constantly amazes her the ease in which Malaysians switch from one language to another, that it hit me, that yeah, we are kind of special that way, aren't we?

So I'm going to do my patriotic duty now and urge everyone to pick up your neighbour's mother tongue. When we seek to learn another's language, we also seek to understand them and their culture at the same time, because you can't separate one from the other. And in my humble opinion, there's no better way to show Christ's love.

Shh! It's a Secret!

If you tell me that, you might as well go ahead and shoot me now! It's agony for me to keep secrets, you'd do better not to tell me anything and just keep me in the dark. But I'd like to think I'm getting better as I grow older; self control is an acquired virtue. Some people are natural clams, me, I have to work at it, real hard!

When I was growing up, I used to report everything that I'd seen and heard to anyone who made the mistake of even feigning interest, much to the chagrin of my family. Apparently I was so good at reporting that I was given a nickname, "RTM" that's Radio Television Malaysia!

When I grew up, I decided that since I'm such a natural in this, I'd just make it my career, and I became a legitimate reporter, first for the print, then as a broadcasting journalist. It was fun, receiving first hand information and then deciding what the public gets to know!

Now that I'm a mother of 3, much older and hopefully wiser, I've grown less inquisitive, no one's complaining though! I'm certainly no clam yet, but with time and practise, God willing, I just might get to hear myself being called a bivalve one day!

Changes

Being too comfortable is a dangerous place to be in; because that's when you get the most upset when something changes the equilibrium.

I have a phlegmatic personality, which means I'm kind of laid back, and dislike challenges and change of any sort. Most of the time, even though I know that the change is good for me and challenges make me grow, my lack of inertia makes me miserable instead of being excited and embracing it like some people do.

But God loves me too much to allow me to stagnate in a place for too long. He sees that there is still much work He needs to do in me. And so God, in His loving way, presents me with challenges that I can't possibly refuse, and He coaxes me to grow. Gently, slowly, but surely, He is shaping me into what He intends for me to be. And I, His child, count it a privilege.

Old Friends

I went for a picnic with my some of my friends and their families today. I have lost touch with some of these friends for about 10 years! It was thanks to Facebook that we got connected again!

It was fun catching up, admiring each other's children and reminiscing about old times. These are friends whom I have known since we were 13 years old! When people ask how tight we were, I used to answer, "we went through puberty together!" Ours was a co-ed school so naturally, our 'gang' was made up of friends of both genders. At that time, being one of the bolder ones, I took it upon myself to 'educate' the boys about girls, and would answer almost any question thrown at me!

We parted ways when the sun was hot and high and when we ran out of drinking water; promising to keep in touch. I went home very tired but wistful about the times we spent together. So when hubby asked what I wanted for dinner, without hesitation, I said, "Taiping food!" I just wanted to linger through my childhood years, just that little bit longer; and nothing does that better than a hot bowl of "Taiping Sar Hor Fun" with a generous dollop of their homemade sambal and a bowl of cool and sweet "Black Sugar". Admittedly, what I can get in KL is far from the real thing, but for the time being, it will have to suffice.

For a little taste of Taiping, go to Restoran LYG Dessert, 41G, Jalan USJ 10/1A, Taipan Business Centre. Or call Mr Loh at -012 3103397/016 6521128

A baby?

What would I do if I found myself pregnant again? It's quite unthinkable really, after all, my youngest is already 7 this year! Yet, there's always the possibility since I'm still productive and so is my husband.

When my gym mate asked me what I would do if I really were pregnant, my answer was "keep the baby, of course!" Her eyes grew wide in surprise. Apparently, an easy solution for her would be to abort the baby.

Her response made me think, in this day and age, where there's no war nor famine, not in Malaysia anyway, why would anyone kill one's own flesh and blood just for the sake of convenience?

I regard every child as a gift from God, sure there are times when I questioned God's generosity, but there is never a doubt in my mind that all my babies were preordained by God Himself and there is a purpose for each and everyone of my children.

So, if God were to give me another baby at this juncture of my life, I will receive the baby with joy but also fear and trembling; because raising a child is a huge responsibility and we would need copious amounts of grace from God to see us through.

Feeling Good

After attending The Marriage Course, I learnt that one of my love languages (the way that makes me feel loved) is having kind and affirmative words spoken to me. Coming from a typical Chinese family where praise is scarce but criticism abounds, I grew up with an empty emotional tank.

Things got better after I went overseas to study. I joined a Christian student group and it was then when I regularly received affirmative words and my confidence and self esteem grew.

Sadly, after getting married and becoming a mother, as I focused on building my family up, I found my emotional tank hovering at empty much of the time.

The turning point came when I started to actively serve in church again. First I joined the Publications Department and contributed articles to the church magazine, encouragements poured in. Then I went on to help organize a marriage seminar which led to my involvement in The Marraige Course (TMC). As I served in TMC, concentrating on communications, making desserts and emceeing during the party, I kept receiving words of appreciation and love from the participants and also the team. I feel like a kid when I say this but, it makes me feel really good!

It's funny how my emotional tank gets filled when I begin to give to others isn't it?

Moms need Support too!

Ever felt that life is meaningless with the endless piles of laundry, dishes and meals to cook? How about sitting through the night with your child to help him/her finish their project/homework when there's a ton of work to go through? Or breaking up another argument for the umpteenth time?

Days, weeks and months stretch into years and you keep telling yourself, it'll be better next year, when no.2 goes to primary school... or when no.3 is weaned off the breast, then I won't be so tired... But when one junior is weaned off the breast, you find yourself sitting on the floor, when everyone else is asleep, going through your son's school bag and discover he has not been completing his homework and you find last week's sandwich wedged between the water bottle and his colour pencils...... And you start to wonder, what's the meaning of all of this? Will it ever end?

9 years ago, I went through all those frustrations and more. But I found solace and my sanity in Mothers' Support Group. It's a place where mothers of various ages meet together to encourage and share and help uplift one another. When I shared my frustrations and failings, I find everyone nodding their heads in acknowledgement and understanding. I felt accepted and encouraged when the more experienced mums shared with me what works for their child and what doesn't.

I learnt how to be a better mum, a better wife, a better person. I learnt to pick myself up when I fail, to ask for help when I need it and to give of myself when another person needs it. We laugh together, learn together, pray together.

Mothers may be the toughest beings on earth, but put a band of mothers together and they can conquer the world!

Communication is Hard

It is said that men only say 30,000 words a day but women can speak 300,000 (or something like that, I can't remember the exact figure!) I'm quite fine with that except when men shorten a 10 word sentence into a 3 word grunt. I then find myself filling in the gaps to make it into a more comprehensible 10 word sentence; and because I still don't quite get how the male brain works, I inevitable get the original intent all wrong! That, is when trouble starts!

Sometimes, I get so fed up I end up not talking. I think, what's the point, it's going to end with everybody being upset anyway. But being an extrovert, not talking will cause me to shrivel up within, I'd die, emotionally.

Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic about the whole issue, but I've been suffering this way for 15 years, I think I'm entitled to rant about in my own blog!

I think the most depressing thing is that I can't see if there'll be positive changes in the future. My only consolation is that I can still pray. My man may seem hopeless to me, but my God is not!

Love & Appreciation

Remember my older post where I raved about Paroimia? Well, during the show I spotted my friend's son in the cast and I was so impressed with his performance that when I came home, I email her and managed to convince her to make the trip up from Singapore to catch her son in action.

My friend then convinced her husband who then agreed to make it a family trip. When the decision was made to come back, they found out that that same Saturday was the Award's Day in their son's school, and their son was to be presented an award for Outstanding Achievement! (Her son scored straight As in the public examination and was a talented sportsman amongst other things). What incredible timing! And because they had to travel back during peak time, they were worried about getting seats for 4 of them. But again, God came through for them and reserved them 4 seats.

My friend called me up and expressed her appreciation for my persistence in convincing her to come back as she was so blessed and her pride as a mom swelled when she saw her son perform and when he received the award.

I'm just so glad that I managed to bless my friend this way because normally I'd like to think that I'm not the pushy type. But when she called me up to thank me, well, that really made my day!

Perhaps I should start being pushy for the things I'm truly passionate in?

When God is for YOU!

Sorry about the late posting. I was too pooped last night to do any blogging.

Last night you see, was The Marriage Course Season 4 Celebration Party. Being the emcee, I was naturally nervous but God prompted me to gather the other helpers to pray together before the arrival of the guests, although it was Dev, our Party Coordinator who did the praying.

It was a good thing we upheld the night to God because Murphy's Law tried it's best to upset the whole night. Everything that could go wrong, went wrong. The venue was unsatisfactory (too long and narrow) which resulted in a few tables being 'isolated' as they were too far away to participate; the AV system was a nightmare; the performers came late etc.

BUT, God in His grace and mercy ensured that the programme still flowed, the guests enjoyed themselves and the message was delivered across. How can I be sure of that? Well, many guests came up to congratulate us for a well organised party, assured us that they enjoyed the evening, and many expressed their desire to join The Marriage Course Season 5, in fact at least 2 couples signed up on the spot!

"When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will lift up a standard against him" Isaiah 59:19b

Truly, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31

For more information on The Marriage Course please click:
http://www.fga.com.my/themarriagecourse

They need our Support!

I'm not talking about whales and turtles, or stray doggies and kitties. No, I'm talking about someone much closer to home and should rightly be even closer to our hearts. I'm talking about our children.

I know of parents who don't show up when their children are running in the school's sports's day, or when their children were graduating from kindergarten, mind you, it was a Sunday! How sad it is for the child when they see their friend's parents, brother and sisters and even grandparents sitting in the audience, cheering them on; but his/her parents could not even be bothered to show up. Being a no-show only sends one message to the child, "sorry, you're not important enough."

Our children really appreciate it when they see us sitting in the audience cheering them on, whether they are on the field, doing a recital or dancing in a musical. Even if they are one of the faceless crew who is in charge of the lighting, when we say things like "the way you controlled the lighting really made the actors stand out!" , it shows that we care about what they care about. Oh, don't expect them to go gushing about how supportive you are, just know that they are.

If our children are important to us, we must make an effort to let them know, and as they grow, our actions will speak louder than our words.

Birthdays

We celebrated my son's birthday at our Home Fellowship (HF) today. Actually, his birthday was last week and it's the second time the birthday song was sang for him. (The family celebrated his birthday last week with waffles). I guess the simple celebration was not quite memorable for him for he requested that we celebrate it again at our HF. I could have said "no", but I felt that there was no reason to.

Birthdays to children are a big deal. It's one time of the year that they feel that they are important and they all love to be made a fuss of; of course the degree of that depends on the child's personality. I also wanted to create some memories for my children. I don't want them to look back on their childhood and feel that they weren't important to mommy and papa. Maybe this is the reason why so many children can't wait to grow up! After all, if being a child just means textbooks and exams, who can blame them?

And so, even though I was dead tired, and had tons to do, I made a batch of chocolate cupcakes, as requested, and decorated it with royal icing and colourful sugared stars. I chose 15 of the nicest ones and spelt out "Happy B'day Lucas".

The best part was, when our HF leader, Davie said a prayer of blessing for him, he prayed out everything that was in my heart.

1 month from now, my son might not remember what I did for him, but maybe 20 years from now, he would.

Strrrretch

It's 1.30am and I'm supposed to be in bed, but I wanted to update my blog first! (It's a pride thing!). Lately, I seem to have endless things to do. While most stay-at-home moms feel this way much of the time, I dare say that this time, my workload is overflowing and I feel like I'm losing control.

My children's school exams are starting tomorrow and I've not had time to go through their books with them. They have also just started their piano lessons this month and again, I've not been able to sit with them as they practice. All these are eating into my conscience and at times like this, it's easy to get low with self-condemnation.

But I tell myself, one more week, and the pressure will ease. And then, I'll be able to sit with my children again, helping them properly when they encounter problems with their homework. As their fingers hover hesitatingly over the piano keys, I will be able to guide them and give them the encouragement they need to spur them on.

In other words, I can be a real mom again. Can't wait.

I Need a New Oven!!

Dinner was late today, and I'm blaming it all on my lousy oven! I had decided since last week that I'd change the menu a bit and attempt a western style dinner. Nothing elaborate, just a soup, dinner rolls, greens and the foolproof roast chicken.

I looked up the recipe for one of the easiest soups to make, onion soup and found that I had to simmer the thing for 2 hours! So I started preparations at 3pm. As I sliced and cried my way through 1kg of yellow onions, I began to doubt my previous enthusiasm.

One hour later, with the soup gently bubbling away, I started on my dinner rolls. I opened the bread maker, took one look and knew that this was going to be a looong day. The dough was sticky and was impossible to handle. A sudden brainwave made me dump the whole lot onto my baking tray and I decided, heck, I'm just going to turn it into a very big, one inch thick 'bread'. I put the whole lot into the oven to proof and went to the sofa. No prizes for guessing what happened next!

I woke up when my phone rang and after answering the call, went back to the kitchen, it was already past 5pm! Woke my daughter up and sped her to her piano lesson, raced back to the kitchen and fired up the oven.

When it was time to go pick my chidren, at 6.45pm. the oven still had not heated up to the required temperature. I couldn't wait any longer, so I shoved the bread dough and the chicken into the hole and hoped for the best.

We came back at 7.15, the bread dough was half cooked but still pale as a ghost, I didn't even bother to look at the chicken. Served the soup first, they liked it (maybe they were really hungry), then the blanched vegetables. After that all of us just sat around and waited.

Hubby came back at 8.15, still no sign of dinner! Told him to shower first. By the time he came down, I took the chicken and the bread out and we gave thanks for the food.

Chicken was tender, but the skin was tough like plastic. Bread was ok as long as you dipped it in the soup.

As I said, I'm putting ALL the blame on my lousy oven!

Homework

Is homework really a necessary evil? I know it's certainly one of the reasons for conflict in my family!

I send my children to a neighbourhood Chinese primary school. I attended both Chinese primary and secondary schools in my hometown and although I don't think much of the way some teachers were condescending in their handling of students, I appreciate the discipline, the hardworking culture and I certainly learned to respect authority and seniority. My husband felt that these attributes were sorely lacking in most government schools and hence our decision to send our children to Chinese primary schools. Plus of course, they could learn to read, write and speak Mandarin.

Nevertheless, Chinese schools also mean mucho homework. While my eldest daughter could handle that very well, in fact she almost always manages to finish all her homework in school, the same cannot be said for my son. It is a struggle for him to do his homework in school because he can't keep his mind off playing and having fun. And when he comes back home, it's still a struggle for him because again, he can't keep his mind off playing and having fun! And so the common scenario is him sitting at the dining table, close to midnight, with reams of homework not done and me, sitting next or opposite him nagging him through the night! It's not a pretty sight, let me tell you!

At this juncture, I can't think of a way of escape. I feel angry that I have to be subjected to this kind of torture and yet, I also feel very sorry for him to have to endure the endless cycle of homework while clearly he is made for other stuff (as to what stuff, I don't have the foggiest idea but it's definitely not homework!)

A friend of mine actually helps in her son's homework, albeit only the coloring bits while other parents totally gave up on our country's education system and embarked in homeschooling instead. I don't have any intention to do the former and I absolutely do not have the aptitude to do the latter!

And so I stick to the present system, and I pray and pray that God in His mercy will transform my son into this responsible and homework loving young man! Somehow, I don't have the faith that it's going to happen! I'm better off praying that God will give me the love and patience to see my son through this phase of his life.

Hospitality Duty

What's that? Hospitality Duty? Go visit patients in the hospitals? No, actually it just means that our Home Fellowship, Lighthouse was in charge of providing the refreshments for the church leaders and those visiting our church for the 2nd Service that day.

I was assigned to provide Fried Tom Yam Bee Hoon and it was decided that 2 packets of bee hoon, a thin rice noodle, was enough to feed everyone.

Because the Bee Hoon had to be cooked fresh, I had to miss church service today so that I could get everything ready for the crowd that usually start streaming in at about 12.30pm. I started at a leisurely pace at about half past 7, cutting and slicing and soaking etc; took a break at about 10am and by 10.20 was already panicking because I realised I was running out of time!

True enough, I was still cooking at 11.30 and I was supposed to be there at noon. Help!! With my wrist still in pain from a weight lifting injury (that's another story) I got my hubby to stir and mix the noodles while I concentrated on getting the taste right.

I took my bath at 11.45, put my make up on at noon and managed to shoo all the 3 kids out of the house at 12.10. With hubby's driving skills, we arrived just in the nick of time. Thank God all the other Lighthouse members were already there and they all willingly helped garnish and arrange everything. I was not shy to brandish my injured wrist to gain some sympathy, pathetic, I know!

All's well that ends well and all plates and bowls were empty by 1pm. After a prayer of thanks, we all left and when we got home, I collapsed on the bed.

The End.